wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
