Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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