the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
