i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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