I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
