apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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