He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
