I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
