He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
