I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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