worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Randomize
