I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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