remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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