If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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