My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
