y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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