WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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