babies were throwing up all over the place
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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