I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
