fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Your dad touched me again.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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