You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
