Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
