Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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