i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
