May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
