Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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