His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
