Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
