A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
