I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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