Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
