I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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