Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
