And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
