The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Even my vagina gasped.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
