So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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