just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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