I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
