My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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