My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
