Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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