doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
