you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
