I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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