so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
