I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
