apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just found puke in my bra..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
