Jerry, you need to find god
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
