Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
