I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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