I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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