it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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