Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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