I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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